Medical Puns

 

Groaner Warning - Geometrically Progressive Too

 

Alimentary: What Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson.

Attenuate: What Bo Derek says to less attractive women.

Barium - What you do when the patient dies

Benign: What we want when we are eight.

Bunion - Paul's surname

Carpal: Someone you drive to work with.

Castrate: The going price for setting a fracture.

Cauterize: What the intern did before he winked at his date.

Constipation - Endangered feces

Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird

Cystogram: A wire sent to your sister.

D&C - Where Washington is

Denial: Where Cleopatra used to swim.

Dilate: To live long.

Elixir: What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone.

Enema - Opposite of a friend

Fibrillate - To tell a small lie

Fundi: What Princess Diana was before she met Charles.

Hernia - Pertaining to a female's knee

Hippocampus: Where a hippo gets a degree.

Humerus - To tell us what we want to hear

Inbred: The best way to have your jam.

Intern: One after the other.

Intestine - Currently taking an exam

Migraine: What a Russian farmer now says about his harvest.

Nitrate: What MTNL charges after eight PM.

Node - Was aware of

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Ova - Finished; done with

Pap Smear - To slander your father

Paradox - Two doctors

Penis - Someone who plays the piano

Pons: A popular face cream.

Rectum - Dang near killed him

Sacrum - Holy

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Sperm - To reject, look away from

Testes: What you order when you don't know what the patient has.

Tolerance: What you get if you give growth hormone to ants.

Urinate: What a nurse would say if a patient asked her what room he's in.

Urine - The opposite of "You're out!"

Vertigo: How foreigners ask for directions.

White Count - The number of caucasians

 

 

 

ANALLY: occurring yearly

ANTIBODY: against everyone

ARTERY: the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria

BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones

BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes

BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty

COLIC: a sheep dog

COMA: a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL: friendly

CORTIZONE: the local courthouse

ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary

ER: the things on your head that you hear with

FESTER: quicker

FIBULA: a small lie

GENES: blue denim slacks

G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers

GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL: a coathook

HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space

HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room

HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

ICU: peek-a-boo

IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known

INPATIENT: tired of waiting

INTENSE PAIN: torture in a teepee

LABOR PAIN: hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane

MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's

MORBID: a higher offer

NITRATE: lower than day rate

NODE: was aware of

ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move

ORGANIC: church musician

OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted

PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go

PELVIS: cousin of Elvis

PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

POST-OPERATIVE: a mail deliverer

PROSTATE: flat on your back

PROTEIN: in favour of young people

RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture

RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula

RHEUMATIC: amorous

SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat

SCAR: rolled tobacco leaf

SECRETION: hiding anything

SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood

SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptable power supply

STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire

TABLET: a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport

TIBIA: country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR: an extra pair

VARICOSE: very close

VEIN: conceited